I must begin this article with a short display of brutal honesty: I do not care for the Jefferson mascot. “The Colonials” is bland. It is boring. It fails to capture the innate TJ spirit. I believe we can do better. It is for this reason that I’ve written the following piece, suggesting better mascots for TJ. Please enjoy.

Prometheus

Prometheus is, according to ancient Greek legend, responsible for giving mankind fire. At TJ, we strive to put in the work necessary to make similarly ground-breaking accomplishments. It is in this way that Prometheus captures the TJ spirit. It is also common practice to be rewarded for your hard work by having your liver pecked out by an eagle. Prometheus is the epitome of the TJ experience and a perfect mascot for our school.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz is the embodiment of the TJ spirit. Despite constant scientific setbacks and vicious assault from a crime fighting platypus, Dr. Doofenshmirtz endures and continues to make groundbreaking scientific achievements, which never become relevant again. He does all this while dealing with burnout and a broken family. Doofenshmirtz represents not only the TJ spirit, but also that of humanity, making him the perfect mascot forJefferson. 

Sisyphus

Sisyphus was a mythological figure, doomed to forever push a boulder up a hill only to have it fall back down and crush him. He is trapped in an endless cycle of torture, and never recieves rest. Is there any better example of the TJ spirit than sisyphus? Of course not, which is why we have a drawing of him in the library, captioned “Never Give Up.”

Mark Zuckerberg

Between his obsession with virtual reality and nickname of “the eye of sauron,” Mark Zuckerberg shares much in common with your average TJ student. Through his accidental confession to being a robot and innately corporate nature he displays the ultimate form that many TJ students strive to reach. At bare minimum, some at TJ follow his model when it comes to teaching: “Move fast and break things.”

Even if the things being broken are students the metaphor holds.

The eye of sauron

Sauron’s ambitious and entrepreneurial nature marks him as clear TJ material. He’s a cunning planner, and observant individual. These characteristics mark him as an excellent Jefferson mascot. He also embodies the TJ attitude of loving shiny ring bling.

Megamind

Featured in the 2010 film of the same name, the supervillain Megamind truly embodies a core TJ ideal: Solving all problems through scheming and overcomplicated robots. His struggle is a core part of the TJ identity, making him the perfect candidate for our mascot. 

Hamlet

Shakespeare’s Hamlet embodies another core TJ ideal: Dealing with high parental expectations. I’m sure that all TJ students who have seen the play felt a great sense of empathy towards Hamlet when the ghost of his father appeared to instruct him to commit murder. Doubtless all of our parents show the same commitment when demanding that we maintain that signature TJ 6.00+ GPA. 

Sang-woo from squid game

Sang-woo was accepted into the most prestigious university in his country. It’s an honor of which TJ students only dream of. He’s the epitome of our hopes and one who possesses the throne in which we all wish to someday sit. He embodies that tantalizingly close college dream all TJ students have, making him the perfect TJ mascot.

Tantalus

Tantalus was cursed to spend his afterlife surrounded by delicious food left just out of reach, as punishment for feeding his children to the Greek gods. He embodies the TJ ideal of success. As Tantalus spends his afterlife eternally attempting to reach food, we spend our lives reaching for higher grades. Hunger is never good enough for Tantalus, and a pitiful 6.0 GPA will never satisfy an average TJ student.

This concludes our list of potential alternative mascots. We hope that you have preferred some options on this list to “The Colonials.”