After a decisive campaign, Donald Trump has unveiled his new cabinet appointees—and they are as unconventional and polarizing as you’d expect. While Trump’s picks embody his penchant for loyalty and provocative style, they also reflect a dangerous disregard for qualifications, expertise, and potential conflicts of interest.
Pam Bondi – Attorney General
Trump’s Attorney General pick turned into a reality show plot twist. First, he tapped Matt Gaetz, the scandal-magnet congressman under investigation for sex trafficking and other sketchy behavior, sparking instant outrage. Gaetz quickly bowed out (probably before the subpoenas hit his desk), paving the way for Pam Bondi, Florida’s former Attorney General. Bondi may seem like the safer choice, but her office conveniently dropped an investigation into Trump University after a $25,000 donation from Trump’s foundation. It’s less a move toward stability and more like Trump making a show of rewarding loyalty.
Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy – Co-Leaders of the New Department of Government Efficiency
As the ultimate “Why not?” moment, Trump has tapped Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to jointly helm the newly created Department of Government Efficiency. Musk, fresh off his Twitter (sorry, “X”) chaos speed-run, will now be in charge of streamlining government operations—because nothing could go wrong with that. And with Ramaswamy, a biotech entrepreneur and self-proclaimed anti-woke warrior, as his right-hand man, expect plenty of “disruption” (read: pandemonium) in the works. Musk, whose companies hold billions in government contracts, is essentially being handed the keys to a treasure chest he already has dibs on—can anyone say “conflict of interest?”
Tulsi Gabbard – Director of National Intelligence
If you were wondering whether Trump could possibly pick someone with even less alignment with U.S. interests, here comes Tulsi Gabbard to head up National Intelligence. Gabbard, who’s been criticized for echoing Russian propaganda and cozying up to authoritarian regimes, will now be in charge of safeguarding America’s secrets. So, if you’re a foreign adversary hoping for a little intel, now might be your lucky day. It’s like putting a fox in charge of the chicken coop—except the fox thinks the coop should be run by chickens anyway.
Pete Hegseth – Secretary of Defense
In another classic Trump move, Pete Hegseth—best known for his Fox News monologues rather than battlefield strategy—will take the reins at the Department of Defense. Sure, he served in the Army National Guard, but that was years ago, and he’s since spent most of his time arguing on TV that women don’t belong in combat roles. If you’re looking for a man with deep military expertise, keep moving. But if you need someone to rant about wokeism on prime time, he’s your guy.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. – Secretary of Health and Human Services
And for the cherry on top, RFK Jr. has been tapped to lead Health and Human Services—a job he’ll undoubtedly use to spread the word that vaccines are a government plot to turn us all into zombies (or whatever his latest theory is). Public health experts are already having heart palpitations at the thought of four years of naturopathic recommendations instead of tried and tested medicine. RFK Jr. claims to not have any interest in taking away vaccines, but as the poster child for the anti-vax movement, the American people aren’t so sure. Kale smoothie, anyone?
I’d love to end this article with a light-hearted joke, but these cabinet picks are so far off the rails that my sense of humor is waving a white flag. It’s one thing to shake up Washington—it’s another to replace the gears with rusty screws and duct tape. Trump’s new lineup might make for great late-night comedy sketches, but when it comes to the future of our country… just get your passports ready.